Therapy Chick to the Rescue!

Sometimes I wish I had a magic wand.  A magic wand would allow me to heal others without watching them go through those rough patches of heartache, disappointment, confusion, frustration, loss, and pain.  I wonder, though, is that for their sake or for mine.  How comfortable am I sitting with someone in their time of need?  As a psychotherapist, one would think I'm quite comfortable.  I'm probably more comfortable than the average person.  But when one of my strengths is the ability to provide empathy, I have to make sure to keep my emotional boundaries intact.  Otherwise, I'm feeling someone else's pain so deeply that I become sad and confused.  And then I feel helpless and powerless.  I have difficulty with these feelings.  I pride myself on being a strong, supportive woman and friend.  Feelings of helplessness and powerlessness bring to mind a sense of weakness and an inability to provide comfort to those in need.  I know this is not true, however.  I also know that an understanding word, a listening ear, and even a silent presence can bring comfort and hope to someone in need.  It just never seems enough, though.  I don't feel like I'm enough in those moments.  And then I have to remember to surrender and trust the process of life, quietly knowing that the most loving thing I can do is allow my loved one to experience his/her healing journey as intended.  And to let them know, I'm here, waving that magic wand just in case. 

Life Unexpected

Life has an interesting way of unfolding.  Just when I think I'm headed one way, life takes me on an unexpected path.  It's not always easy for me to let go and trust that things will work out for the best.  But things usually work out even better than I expect once I let go of expectations.  Easier said than done of course!  Recently, I had my heart broken.  A potential relationship didn't turn out the way I hoped.  But maybe there are reasons why.  Maybe life knew something I didn't about this man or about the timing of it all.  Maybe life knew what was in my best interests.  I'm still having trouble letting go completely.  Sometimes, I still find myself wishing things had worked out with this man.  He's a good guy.  I have nothing negative to say about him.  I don't know why life led me down a different path.  What I do know is that as soon as I said good-bye to this man, a wonderful unexpected surprise happened!  An acquaintance reached out to me in his time of need.  And now I have a new friend.  Someone who offers support and understanding regarding my sadness and disappointment.  Someone who encourages me to get back out there and not settle.  Someone who listens to me complain and cry while making it safe for me to express hopes and dreams without fear of judgment.  I hope I offer him the same gifts he offers me.  I'm so glad life took me down a different path.  A path of healing.  A path of connecting with someone.  A path of friendship.  Thank you life for my new friend.  And thanks for leading me towards the letting go process, trusting all will be well and I'll be ok.

Rambling about Time

“Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.”~Henry Van Dyke For the last few days, I've been sharing with my friends the feeling of panic in regards to time. But it's not time that's making me panic. It's my own concept of time. And buying into society's concept of time. Have you ever wondered why we ask a high school student when they're going to start planning for college? A college graduate when they're going to start looking for work? When a person will marry? When a couple will have a child? It seems we all place expectations on time lines. And then there's the complaint that we didn't have time to do something. But really, we all have the same amount of time in the day. We've all been given 24 hours in each day. It's how we choose to spend our time that is important. And maybe that's what makes us more relaxed or more uptight about time. It's not time that causes stress, worry, or panic, it's our concept, or perception, of time. As mentioned in the earlier quote, time is perceived dependent upon our current experience. Time is still just a measurement of a unit. But our experiences, expectations, and perceptions are vast. What is your concept of time? What experiences make you feel that time is running out? Or taking too long? Are you able to list a quote or two about time? Do those quotes speak to your experiences? Do you even want to take the time to answer those questions? :)

Forgiveness Brings About Peace

Thich Nhat Hanh is quoted as saying, "The practice of peace and reconciliation is one of the most vital and artistic of human actions." There is something quite freeing about forgiveness. It can give us a sense of peace, satisfaction, and acceptance. Recently, I had to ask someone for forgiveness. It wasn't easy because I felt justified. I had been hurt. But what I noticed is that when I opened myself up to the process, the other person not only validated and understood my perspective, he also said he appreciated my vulnerability! I work with people everyday in my practice who are afraid to be vulnerable to someone else. Especially someone close to them. They blame themselves for not being stronger, not being tougher, and not being fearless. But really, they aren't opening themselves up to the process of human interaction. Whenever we feel a need to be better, be stronger, be tougher because we "should", we really aren't giving ourselves the love and compassion necessary to forgive ourselves for being human. So remember to allow yourself the same "practice of peace and reconciliation" within yourself!

Heart & Soul: How will you be Celebrating?

February is all about the heart and soul! It is American Heart Month, Black History Month, Mardi Gras time, and above all, February is most known for Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day has always been a struggle for me. Whether I have a partner or not. I'm sure I'm not alone in my feelings as the expectations of this "holiday" can become overwhelming for some. Or those who are single may feel left out and alone. I remember when I was in college, a few single friends and I got together for an "anti" Valentine's Day dinner. But really, we were celebrating Valentine's Day because we were toasting our friendships. Valentine's Day isn't just for couples. We can celebrate our friendships, our parent-child relationships, and/or the relationship with ourselves. Even our pet relationships can be honored.

Here are some of my suggestions for celebrating this day of love whether you are single or coupled:

1. Treat yourself to Spa Day by getting a massage or a pedicure. Take your pet to the groomer while you take off to the spa. You both can get pampered!
2. Donate your time and energy to a charity. Taking your kids will give them a sense of the world around them and show them how wonderful it can be to give!
3. A nice romantic candlelit dinner doesn't have to be just for couples! Spoil yourself to your favorite meal and enjoy!
4. Be fully present when conversing with a friend, child, or senior citizen. Open your heart and ears and just listen.
5. Celebrate Black History Month by educating yourself on the contributions of the black community.
6. Eat right, exercise, and follow the guidelines for a healthy heart.
7-??? Now it's your turn! List some suggestions for the rest of us!

The Last Week of the Giving Challenge

This last week of the Giving Challenge has been fun and sad at the same time. I learned that to give is to be able to fill one's self up with love and share it with the rest of the world. During this last week, I received feedback from some of the little things I had been doing. From the bank teller who told me how I made his day just for being understanding of his job to the strangers on the street who stopped to tell me they liked that I smiled at them. Really? Those little things filled others with a sense of joy?! How exciting to hear that! I learned a lot over the last 29 days. I learned it's ok to just be yourself, that what I have to give is good enough, that it's the little things that matter, that the manners one learns at a young age make a difference as we get older, and that forgiveness is a powerful thing. But I suppose the thing I'll take away the most from this experience is that I don't want to stop giving! It makes me sad to think the Challenge is now over. Guess, I will have to try my best to continue incorporating this giving attitude into my life...everyday!

Days 22-23 Rough but Day 24 was Back on Track

I was starting to feel like a failure with the Giving Challenge for days 22 and 23 but today, day 24, brought me back on track. On days 22 and 23, I hadn't even stopped to think about the Challenge. I was caught up in my own head and not paying much attention to the rest of the world. I was in me, me, me mode! But a phone call to my cell phone company got me back on track! The customer service rep was very helpful, answering all of my questions and even crediting me $25 for being a loyal customer. He was polite and respectful that at the end of our conversation, when he asked if there was anything else he could do, I said, "Yes, would you mind getting your supervisor so I can tell him or her how wonderful you've been?!" The excitement in his voice warmed my heart. He said, "Really?! You'd do that? Thank you so much!" When the supervisor came on the line, she thanked me for taking the time to praise one of her employees since she usually has to deal with complaints. It felt great to give praise to the customer service rep as well as giving the supervisor a sigh of relief. Next time someone provides good service or goes the extra step, be sure to let them and their supervisor know! It'll feel soooo good!

Days 19-21: Keeping in Touch

In the past 3 days, the most I've done with the Giving Challenge has been to keep in touch with friends and family during the storms. I've called one friend daily to see how she is since she lives alone and I text friends in the L.A. area who aren't used to such weather. Other than that, I'm not sure if I'm doing too well with this "assignment". I'm finding the most difficult part about this experience is staying mindful. To truly be aware of my actions and how they impact others seems to be the lesson learned here. Maybe I need to keep in touch with my own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as I go through this experience. Maybe I need to be ok with the fact that I don't have to do extravagant things in order to be giving. Maybe just being present with someone is all that is required.

Days 14-18: It's the Little Things

Days 14-18 of the Giving Challenge have been spent doing the little things for people. The things that don't seem to make a difference but really do. A polite "thank you" when someone gets the door, buying my dad a crossword puzzle book just because I know he enjoys them, saying "happy new year" to complete strangers at the post office, and spending time with a friend to hear his/her thoughts and feelings about life. But the simplest thing I've done during this whole challenge has been to text the word "Haiti" to 90999 to make my $10 donation for the earthquake victims. Little things do matter! So the next time you're giving and wondering if it makes a difference, know that yes, it does...to someone, somewhere! Keep giving!

Days 11-13: Connecting w/other Goddesses

The last couple of days have been a struggle for me as I'm dealing with a shift in my feminine self. What I have found though is that when I reached out to my other female friends who have experienced "The Change", there was an incredible sigh of relief coming from them. I received emails thanking me for sharing with them my own struggles because they felt a sense of connection with me. There were comments like, "I thought I was the only one feeling crazy", or "I'm having trouble sleeping, too." And then there's the exchange of information on holistic, natural interventions and how to express feelings in healthy ways. We are not alone in this transition. It's a wonderful time filled with sadness, happiness, excitement, grief, and connection to other women. By connecting on deeper levels, we can find the gifts of validation, understanding, and meaning, knowing there is something greater at work than ourselves.

Days 9 & 10: Pets

Pets are a wonderful addition to a family and mine are no exception. So as part of days 9 and 10 of the Giving Challenge, I decided to give them massages! My boy seemed to really enjoy having his head rubbed while my girl liked her shoulders massaged. What I found, however, was how relaxing it was for me. It allowed me to just be in the moment with them. My mind wasn't racing with the usual stressful thoughts of money and family. Instead, I just sat there with each one of them, completely focused on the moment. We were all very peaceful. And that was nice.

Days 7 & 8: Forgiveness

"Even monkeys fall out of trees" is my favorite saying when it comes to forgiveness. Days 7 & 8 of the Giving Challenge brought me the opportunity to give myself the gift of forgiveness. Just like the monkey who occasionally falls out of a tree, I have stumbled along my life's journey. Particularly in regards to personal relationships. Recently, someone I cared about hurt me and this triggered childhood wounds. In the beginning of feeling hurt, I was able to express my feelings openly and honestly. And when they weren't heard, I found myself becoming angry and resentful towards this person. In typical inner child fashion, I lashed out with my words, making a snide comment and telling this person how rude he was being. This, of course, triggered him and an argument ensued. After some TLC from loved ones, and working out my feelings, I was able to forgive myself. I am only human. I have hurts, triggers, and wounds like anyone else. I make mistakes and poor choices at times. But rather than beating up on myself, focusing on the negative, I decided to validate and understand my behavior and feelings. My little inner child needed nurturing from me, not criticism. This in turn gave me the ability to forgive the other person. And while I will never see him again, I feel good knowing that I hold no ill will towards him or me. We are both little cheeky monkeys who fell out of our respective trees.

Day 6: Gotcha!

My friend, Beau, rarely lets me take care of him but he's always so good at taking care of me. I had a rough 2009 and Beau has always been available to listen to me, validate my feelings, and offer words of encouragement. And if I ask for a hug, he welcomes me with open arms. I tell him thank you often and have always wanted to do more for him but he says I do enough. Not sure what I've done exactly to return the favor but he's fine with our friendship. I usually say "ok" but this time, as I've been plotting carefully with the Giving Challenge, I wanted to surprise him by buying his lunch today. When I asked if he would allow me to do that for him, he said only if I had a good reason. The reason, "Because you've always been so good at taking care of me." But I had an ulterior motive...there's nothing that gives me greater pleasure than doing something nice for a nice someone! Ha, ha! I gotcha!

Days 4 & 5: Perplexed

I'm already stuck! I'm not even a week into the Giving Challenge and I'm perplexed as to how to give. It's not that I struggle with giving. Actually, giving comes quite naturally to me. The challenge has been in doing it mindfully. To think about who, what, where, when, and how. Maybe I'm over-thinking it? I have been known to be an over-achiever, to analyze things over and over. I thought about when I asked the grocery clerk yesterday how he was doing while I made eye contact with him. Or today, when I was polite to someone who has hurt me. I wondered, "Could I count those times? Does it make a difference that I wasn't mindful under these circumstances?" Maybe I need to give myself a little leeway. It's not the goal so much as the journey. The journey of discovering how wonderful it can be to give, learning about myself in the process. Maybe this exercise gave to me again? Maybe it gave me the gift of patience, acceptance, or forgiveness. Maybe I should just let go and enjoy the journey!

Days 2 & 3 of Giving Challenge: Excitement

Ever get so excited about giving a gift that you specifically picked out for someone? Well, that's how I felt for days 2 & 3 of the Giving Challenge! It didn't start out that way, however. On the second day, I found myself racking my brain, thinking carefully what to do, who to give to, and how to give. I wanted to make sure the gift was thoughtful and specific to my recipient. When I finally decided on the details of said gift, I could feel the excitement growing as if it was Christmas Day. I imagined watching in anticipation the look on my friend's face when she would "open" her gift. A simple Thank You text. It's amazing how something that appears so small and insignificant could make me feel so much enthusiasm. I also felt a sense of mystery, like keeping an extravagant secret. Today, this third day, I felt like I was on a covert mission as I surprised my mom with washing her dishes and throwing in her last load of laundry. She didn't even notice the dishes had been washed which made me feel even more delighted! Excitement, enthusiasm, and delight weren't the only gifts I had already received as a result from participating in this challenging...I found myself being offered gifts from others! My website designer knocked off $20 off my monthly bill, a friend treated me to brunch, and my mom gave me a new blouse. Coincidence? I think not! *wink, wink*

Giving Challenge-Day One: Relieving Calm

Whenever I need to find peace and calm, I go to the ocean. There's something about the sound of the waves crashing against the shore that bring a sense of oneness for me. This was the same feeling I experienced when I took my first risk into the Giving Challenge. At first, I was perplexed, trying to figure out what to do. I'm someone who tries to do kind things for others but never before have I been so mindful of the choice to give. It was a little confusing actually. So I perused the suggestion list on the 29-Day Giving Challenge website . Nothing really spoke to me and I sat in front of my computer wondering how to truly give. Without expectation. Just for the sheer joy of giving. Then it hit me! There was a wrong I needed to make right with a friend. The last time I spoke with her, I hadn't been very understanding or even polite for that matter. I was still dealing with past anger and resentment towards her because she wasn't being the kind of friend I thought she "should" be. I decided to email her, offering up an apology for my recent attitude as well as offering up empathy for her current stressful situation. As I wrote the email, I could feel a heaviness lifting off of me. I moved from the judgment in my mind to the love in my heart. There was a sense of excitement as I hoped this email would provide the support she originally needed from me. I'm not sure if she'll accept the gift the way it was intended but I know my attitude shifted from resentment and frustration with our friendship to peace, calm, and relief. And I found myself incredibly grateful for her being in my life! And this was just the first day!

29-Day Giving Challenge Accepted!

With a new year upon us, I was looking for ways to promote positive energy in my life. I have found the best way to do that is to get out of my Self and focus on what brings others joy. So when I received an email from one of my colleagues challenging me to participate in the 29-Day Giving Challenge, I had to accept! Besides, I like a good challenge. And who doesn't want to spread the gift of joy and positivity!? I look forward to seeing how my giving will benefit others as well as bring me peace and harmony. I challenge anyone reading this to participate as well by visiting the 29-Day Giving Challenge website.

I'm not sure what I'll do first but I'll be sure to post my experiences on my blog. Feel free to share if you're also participating! Like the vineyard, we are all connected. So, let's work together, sharing our gifts in order to bear fruit! Let's all commit to living abundantly in 2010!