Celebrate Differences!

For most of my life, I have felt different. Different because I was a bi-racial child being raised in a predominately white small town. Different because I was told I wouldn't understand what a cracked radiator meant because I'm a woman. Different because I've been told I must be a socialist because I'm a political progressive. Different because I am a single, never-been-married woman in her 40's and something must be wrong with me. Different because I am someone who has chosen to be childfree and have been told I'm an ogre and going against God's will. And different because I am a Pagan and have been told I'm going to hell.

I used to hate being different. I used to hate the criticisms I would hear. I was exposed to racism and sexism at an early age. I heard derogatory terms and statements like "wetback" and "you're just a girl". And I couldn't understand it. My parents are very different people and they've been married for almost 44 years. Mom is a Mexican, progressive Democrat, who supports a woman's right to choose and marriage equality. Dad is a white, registered Republican who believes in traditional family values. They never fought over who was right or wrong in these cases. They encouraged us to be free thinkers. Yet, the world around me was telling me I didn't fit in. That I was different. And because I was different, I was not ok or not good enough.

I see this everyday in my practice. Adults struggling to get past feelings of being different, of feeling like they're not good enough, and, as a result feeling depressed and/or anxious. They ask me, as tears stream down their faces, "What's wrong with me? Why aren't I good enough?" From women, I hear, "I'm not pretty enough", "My body is ugly", or "I'm afraid to speak up because I'll be called a bitch." And from men, I hear, "I don't make enough money", "I'm not strong enough", or "I feel like a failure". The truth is each one of us is good enough! Sure, we all have our flaws and quirks. But truly, we are all deserving of love, peace, happiness, and respect. And it has to start from within. YOU have to know that you are good enough! YOU have to know that you are deserving of love, acceptance, and respect! And YOU have to know that because you are different, YOU are unique.

I love being different now. Of course now it's kinda cool to be Latin. But I am proud of my Mexican and European backgrounds. I am proud to be female. I'm proud that my political beliefs are aligned with my morals and values. I'm incredibly proud to be childfree and not settle to be in an unhappy relationship just to "fit in". And I'm a proud Pagan. I'm proud of all these things because they make me who I am. They are a part of me. And if you get the chance to know me, instead of perpetuating stereo-types, you'll know I'm not that different from you. I desire love, peace, happiness, and respect just like you do. And if you are someone who continues to feel different, celebrate it! Embrace it! Love it! And know that you are deserving of being loved and accepted. I challenge you to list all of your wonderful qualities and then look them over every night. You will notice a difference in your mood and how you look at yourself. And then you'll start to notice how others respond to you.

So don't be afraid to be different. Besides, didn't someone once say, "Variety is the spice of life"!


(If you are feeling depressed or anxious, please consult your doctor or mental health professional)

One Wild Ride Through Life

This is my dad. Or as I like to call him, Pop Pop. Pop Pop and the rest of us have had one wild ride through life recently thanks to him needing a quintuple bypass and a heart valve replacement. It started in late June when I received a call, while on vacation, from my brother that Pop Pop was in the ER. Damn! I was 2.5 hours away! How could I get there fast enough? And how could I manage the anxiety I was feeling at 60 mph? Thoughts of worry raced through my mind. I held my breath, waiting to exhale. I decided calling a friend might be an option. (Thank goodness for modern technology.) I asked my friend to just talk with me. About anything! I just needed to know that I wasn't alone and that I wouldn't drive like a maniac. I arrived safely to the hospital where Pop Pop was just admitted. He spent 4 days in the hospital. But that was not the end of it.

"Florence, we need you to take your dad to UCDMC to have some tests run," his cardiologist told me. He would need an echocardiogram and an angiogram. And so we made our trek, at 5 am, to UCDMC about 2 weeks later. I was annoyed for having to wake up early while feeling stressed and worried over Pop Pop's health and my finances. (Paid days off are not in the self-employed's benefit package.) We arrived at UCDMC around 6:30 am and Pop Pop was prepped for his first procedure. I remember Mom and I walking alongside the gurney as they wheeled him in. Worry overcame me yet again. I held my breath, waiting to exhale. I was able to breath when the cardiologist informed us the procedure was a success and they needed to prep him for his angiogram. Lots of waiting, lots of pacing. Finally, they took him in. This time we had to wait in the waiting area. Worry overcame me. I held my breath, waiting to exhale. Two hours later, the cardiologist met with us and said, "He's going to need surgery." And so began all of the consults, the going back-and-forth to UCDMC, the planning of dog-sitting, house-sitting, rearranging clients, researching FMLA, etc, etc. And then the big day arrived.

July 16th. 5:30 am. Admitted and prepped. 6:30 am. Wheeled off into surgery. I kissed Pop Pop good-bye and immediately burst out into tears. My brother took me in his arms as I sobbed. And then, worry overcame me. I held my breath, waiting to exhale. Seven hours later, the surgeon came out to tell us it was a success. Whew! But that wasn't the end. Five days in ICU, filled with waiting-to-exhale moments, driving back and forth to UCDMC, calling relatives and friends about Pop Pop's progress. Our support system was incredible, though. Relatives and friends bringing us food, inviting us over, hugging us, texting, calling, emailing just to ask how we were. Letting us know we were not alone. And then finally, Pop Pop was transferred to the Cardiac Care Unit. But wait! One more complication. Worry overcame me. I held my breath, waiting to exhale. Relatives rushed to the hospital just to take visiting shifts since I was so tired from driving, worrying, talking with medical staff, etc.

But then the day of discharge finally came. And there was still worry. Worry now about Pop Pop's recovery. That first night home, he was like a newborn baby, waking up every 2 hours needing something. Worry, no sleep, I held my breath, waiting to exhale.

It's now been a month and Pop Pop is doing quite well. He begins cardiac rehab soon and continues to receive excellent health care from home health nurses and his cardiologist. He still has about another 2-3 months of recovery but he is doing great!

I finally had a chance to exhale the other day. And when I did, the flood gates opened. I cried. Cried from being tired, from being worried, from enjoying the exhilaration of the journey. And from being able to take care of my Pop Pop in a way I didn't know I was capable. And in this moment, I am no longer filled with worry. I am breathing. I have exhaled.

The Kindess of Others

"You're powerful when you're real," my favorite grad school professor used to say to get his counseling students to share feelings and be vulnerable. Vulnerability is NOT a weakness. It's a powerful experience. Every time I open myself up and share with others my experience of sadness, loss, grief, pain, or stress, I am amazed at the compassion and outpouring of support I receive.

I am currently experiencing a high level of stress and decided to be vulnerable with other family members, friends, and even fans of my Facebook business page. (Yes, that's me in the picture...I know not flattering at all. I was going for vulnerability.) Sometimes you just never know where your support is going to come from. Sources you would've never dreamed. People I haven't seen in 25+ years are offering up places to stay so I can be closer to my family, neighbors are bringing me fresh vegetables and fruit from their gardens or offering to dog-sit, colleagues are offering to be contacts for my clients while I'm away from work, and family and friends are utilizing their strengths to care for me and my family, checking in on us with phone calls and emails. The other day I received a nice friendship card from a college roommate that made me smile. I even have Facebook friends who I've never met before sending me virtual hugs and asking about my family. I tear up just thinking about how many people care.

So what are the keys to being so blessed? Courage! It takes guts to be vulnerable to another, to ask for what we need/want. And, to know that we'll be ok even if that person uses our vulnerability against us. Trust in one's self! I always chuckle to myself when someone says, "I thought I could trust him/her!" When it concerns others, trust they will be who they are. The more important person to trust is YOU! Do you trust yourself to handle life's crazy ups-n-downs? Remain open! If you really need a hug or for someone to run an errand, and they offer, please don't decline that gift! I know you might think, "I don't want to put her/him out." Or "It's no big deal." But it is! I can still hear my ex-co-worker's voice when I politely declined her offer to run an errand for me, "Don't rob me of my blessings!" She then reminded me of the importance of karma. And then sometimes, people we would've never expected to give are helping us out. Strangers even! Two years ago, I was experiencing a rough time and I found solace in the chat room of Hug Nation. Be open to the gifts however they arrive! And finally, let go of expecations! Others give in all sorts of ways, separate from what we think they should. ;) Try not to get mad. I have a friend who has yet to ask how my family is during these stressful times. Not sure why. But she always returns my calls and emails. I try not to get too frustrated with her even though I'd like her to ask. I just try to appreciate the fact that she continues to stay connected with me during this time.

If you are experiencing a rough time in your life, I encourage you to reach out and risk vulnerability. Otherwise, you might never know just how powerful you really are!

The Importance of Playing!

Practice what you preach! Those are the words that go through my mind as I encourage others to make time for themselves and give to themselves as much as they would give to others. But I'm just as guilty of taking better care of everyone else than myself. For the past 2-3 weeks now, I have been suffering from burn-out. A job hazard for sure in my line of work! And now I am no good to anyone...especially myself! I am tired, irritable, feeling resentful, isolating myself, and lacking excitement for life. (Sounds very similar to depression, doesn't it?) This week is my last week of work before I head out for vacation. A long overdue vacation! I haven't had a vacation in 2 years! Just to write that makes me a little sad. To think that I haven't made time for myself. Sure, I've had the occasional 3-day week-end, gone to get a massage now and again, and I've hung out with friends. But we all need to recharge by getting away from it all and focusing on our needs. Being self-employed, I've realized how much time and energy goes into my business. From seeing clients to managing the books to marketing the business, I invest more time into it than I do myself. I've also realized that since moving 4 years ago, I haven't quite settled into my lifestyle of fun and activities. I've certainly gotten involved in groups like Soroptimist, am the Vice President of my local chapter of CAMFT (CA Marriage Family Therapists), and have been politically active. But that is still giving to others! But what I haven't done much of are the things that I really enjoy like salsa dancing, biking, playing tennis, going to cultural arts events, going to plays, roller blading, wine tasting, and spending time in nature. (see that picture up there...that's beautiful Bidwell Park in the fall...and it's only 5 miles away from where I live!) All of these activities are accessible to me. But I need to make the time to, as the Nike commercials suggest, JUST DO IT! I need to play! We all have the need to play! So, I encourage all of you to get in touch with your inner playful child and do the things that you used to do when you were a kid! How did you play? I encourage you to practice what I call The Art of Self-Care by eating right, exercising regularly, socializing, doing date night with your spouse and leaving the kids at home, and just playing! Feel free to let us know how you play! Either leave comments here or if you're on Facebook feel free to look me up at FlorenceMFT and become a fan! You may also visit my website at www.florencemft.com. Now let's play! (photo courtesy of Carleen Clark)

Answering the Infamous Question...

Do you take insurance? This certainly seems like a simple "yes" or "no" question. But it isn't. It fact, it can be a somewhat complicated answer. Whenever a potential client asks me this question, I try to give them the easy-to-understand answer, "I am an out-of-network provider so it depends on your insurance plan." But even that provokes more inquiry and explanation. Sometimes, behavioral health plans are part of one's medical health plan and sometimes they aren't. If they aren't, then there may be different deductibles and co-pays applied. Sometimes, too, behavioral health plans are covered by a separate health insurance company altogether. So if you have medical insurance covered by Company A, your mental health counseling may be covered by Company B. And Company A and Company B can have different rules, procedures, deductibles, and co-pays. In other words, if you have medical coverage under Company A, they may allow you to see an out-of-network doctor but if your mental health coverage is through Company B, they may not allow you to see an out-of-network counselor. Confused? You're not the only one! And the worst part of all of this is that neither you nor your provider may be aware of this. I had a client recently who found me through her insurance company directory. When the claim was filed, it was denied because her mental health coverage was through another company who chooses not to cover providers outside of their network. We didn't realize this since her insurance card listed me as a provider AND she found me through her insurance company's directory! This doesn't happen all the time but it is something to be aware of. Therefore, when I get a call from a potential client and the discussion unfolds, I encourage them to call their insurance company and ask about their mental health coverage. Or to review their insurance plan paperwork. If they get stuck, I'm certainly happy to call on their behalf. So going back to the question of whether I take insurance? I am an out-of-network provider (except for Aetna) who chooses to seek payment up front and bills on behalf of the client seeking reimbursement. Whether the insurance company reimburses is in the hands of the insurance company. Should you run into problems or need more information about insurance, feel free to contact the CA Dept of Insurance by clicking this link.

Living in Gratitude Brings Great Pay-offs!

Living in gratitude has brought me much peace and happiness. This past weekend, I was sitting outside with some friends at an outdoor diner in Sacramento. It was a beautiful night and I was so happy to spend time with friends I haven't seen in awhile. Out of the corner of my eye, between chatter and laughter, I saw him. An old tattered man. He was handing out roses. I remember thinking, "How nice of him to share those with others." He came to our table and immediately my friend said, "There's no money here." He still offered each of us a rose and a blessing. I guess. He mumbled mostly. All I could hear was "God Bless" and then more mumblings. We graciously accepted our roses and all I could say was "Thank you" while I smelled the sweetness of this gift. He left only to return a few minutes later, asking for money. When no money was given, he asked for his roses back from my friends but not me. What made me different, I wondered. My friends teased me that maybe he thought I was cute. I wondered if it had to do with my gracious attitude. From the moment I saw him, I was already thinking positive thoughts about him. I wasn't worried about whether he was going to ask for money. I took my rose back to my hotel room, put it in a cup of water, and placed it on the table. The next day it still looked beautiful and I reflected on how happy I was to receive it. I left it for Housekeeping along w/a tip and a "Thank you" note. It felt so good to share that gift with someone else-another stranger. I will probably never see that old tattered man again. But he left me with a few gifts: a rose, a good feeling, and a smile. And the ability to pay it forward.

Yesterday, my neighbor surprised me by giving me a bag full of cherries. I've lived across the street from him for over 4 years and have only spoken to him twice and have waved hello on occasion. But, he must've been reading my mind because I was thinking just 2 days ago how nice it would be to enjoy some cherries. Again, I graciously took this gift with such joy, thinking, "Wow, I'm receiving so many wonderful gifts!"

There's more of course. For example, my business is thriving! I've had a very busy practice for about 2 mos now after a slow start at the new year. I give thanks in my gratitude journal everyday for all that I receive. And I've noticed that every time I'm grateful, the Universe blesses me with even more! While I know it seems so simple, I encourage each and every one of you to simply say "Thank You!" Thank you for this breath of life, the gift of vision, the gift of laughter, and the gift of friendship.

If you haven't started a gratitude journal yet, it's rather simple. Just reflect on your day, noting of all the gifts provided throughout your day, and then write them down. Should you get stuck, feel free to visit my website at www.florencemft.com and look through my resource pages. If you've already started a gratitude journal, keep enjoying the bounty!

Thank you for reading this blog! :)

PS-You may be wondering about the connection of the posted picture and this writing. That is my most recent tattoo. I love stargazer lilies and always feel good when I buy them. Thought I'd keep a permanent reminder of the joy they bring.

Talking Teens

I love working with teens! Every time I say that, other adults seem to cringe and then ask, "Why?!" My approach as a counselor can be very direct and teens seem to appreciate that. Plus, I think I'm still a teen at times. :) There are 2 things one must know about teens. One, never try to power struggle with them. They'll win every time! And two, they're just as confused as you are.

Need tips on how to survive your child's teen years? Click this link to learn about early adolescence or click here to learn about the middle stage of adolescence. You can also watch this video of me discussing teens with Wake Up!'s Rob Blair.

Counseling Awareness Month TV Appearance

April was Counseling Awareness Month and as a way to promote awareness of my profession, I partnered with KHSL's local morning TV program, Wake Up! My first appearance was April 10, 2009 and the topic was Stress & The Economy. I remember arriving at 6 am sharp and following producer, Sarah, into the studio. I was nervous not having done live TV before. Megan McDonald, the co-anchor, was at the news desk waiting for her cue. She smiled and said, "Good morning", and suddenly I was at ease. It's the same feeling I hope I'm able to give my clients when they arrive at my office for the very first time. I shared this with Megan and thanked her for her warmth. And then 30 minutes later, Rob Blair, the other co-anchor, who would be interviewing me, was adjusting my mic so it could not be seen. A mic check was done and soon after, the interview began. How quickly it all went! It's all a blur now. But I think the important thing I will take with me is the importance of making one feel comfortable in my office because my clients could be just as nervous as I was that Friday morning.

I encourage to listen to this audio link if you would like info on How to Manage Stress.

When I least expect it

Grief comes upon us like waves. At least that's what I tell my clients. And here I sit feeling the waves coming over me now. Two years ago, I experienced a lot of loss. Family members passing, a friendship ending, and just plain growing older. I had just turned 40 and wondering if the 2nd half of my life would be filled w/good-byes. The upside to this is that I use it to connect to clients who are experiencing loss in their own lives. And I can teach others the stages of grief and loss with some examples. All n all, it has made me a better therapist. Even if it doesn't feel good sometimes.

Learning to Blog

I'm a people person not a computer person! In my field, technology is not something we're trained to do. We're trained to care for people's souls, encourage clients to explore their feelings and help them develop new ways to cope to stressors in their lives. If you'd like to a list of areas I support clients, please click here.